writing this entry I do not mean to say anything bad to canada. But in fact, yes, i am going to.
From the beginning of my journey to Canada till now, bad things do happen, and i do forget it so quickly. But think back, Canada, the country said to be safe and reliable..is not exactly true.
I'm not sure if it's the problem in West Canada, but i'm sure it is not as good as people paradise it.
From my experience,
1) Lost of camera
-obviously this is my own fault to leave my camera behind and got it lost. But if the canadian is honest enough, I could have get back my lovely camera from lost and found center.

2) Nearly cant get back to Calgary from US
-they don't believe me in what i said about the visa. A small chop that allows me to go US Canada thro and flow within half year.

3) West jet
-No refund of canceled booking. Well, this is my fault as i din read the terms and conditions well.

4) Outdoor activities rental
-deposit will be forfeited if i cancel a trip. Well done.

5) Camera
-camera again. No refund on camera i bought.
This is a long story. I bought it by confirming verbally with the sales prsn that there is international warranty for the camera. But it is not. The warranty is only for US Canada. Limited.
But the funniest thing is, he refuse me to refund, in fact refund policy is a big thing in Canada. Almost anywhere anything u buy can get a refund back. It's a consumer's right in Canada.
But this shop, this prsn, doesnt want to abide the law. Even after long hours of debating.
And I would think that he cheated me cuz he knows i'm not local.

So..western country safer? Not really. They too have the dark side. I would say, it's like the same thing it will happen in everywhere, be it Malaysia, India, China or western countries.
So. u get wat i mean? Labelling is just labelling. LOL
It's human heart that is the same. Everywhere.

听着曹格的《丑角》仿佛听见你的心声。
因为曾经经历，所以特别有共鸣吗？
而是我，让你成了丑角吗？

都已经两年了。
似乎过了很久，记忆也变淡了。
和他作过甚么，去过哪里 ，都忘了。
他的声音，他的样子。。迷糊了。
被伤过的感觉，也消失了。
唯一留下的，是空白。
仿佛像作了一场梦，场景、人物、感觉。。只有瞬间的记忆。
仿佛是真实的，又仿佛是假的。
最重要的是，就算再怎么努力，都回想不起细节，也想不起结局。
只剩下问号、空白、疑惑。


虽然如此，在我心里还是无法祝福。。他和她。

人啊，真麻烦。

When you are alone, you feel lonely sometimes and hoping that your friends are by your side.

When you are with your friends, you feel like going off alone and hoping that your friends would not ever spoil your plan.

When you have more than one friends, you will feel great when all of them loves you, but you will feel worst when both of them got faced-off.

When you have more than one gang of friends, you will always have place to go and people to hang out with, but you will always got into dilemma when those gangs invite you out on the same day, especially same time. What more if these gangs got faced-off.

People like you when you are likable, but dislike you when you are not, especially when you are out of frequency.

That's the reason why I miss my friends in Singapore so much, especially CVCF brothers and sisters.
Because we are love, and to be loved, regardless of what you are, and who you are.
Because this place needs love, the gangs need love, and deep inside my heart,
needs love.

海里的记忆

08/09

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

V1

回忆总是停 留在我的脑袋 我们曾经的愉快

收 起来 丢进了 大海

再 也找不回来

V2

你曾经说过 把你忘怀

会有下一个人 来满足我的期待

Chorus

*你的无可取代 你为何 走开

对你的信任与依赖 让我更 加受伤害

你的无可取代 再也 找不到人来期待

温柔与关怀 那个 人已不再

V3

很多人像你 一样对待

却再也不能让 我心安依赖

repeat*

Bridge

已 经没有未来 不需要在等待 没有来疼爱

你 的自私我明白 不会再怪你的离开

repeat*

Chorus2

你 的无可取代 你为何走开

对 你的信任与依赖 让我更加受伤害

你 的无可取代 你已选择慢慢地走开

再 也不能回来 只有放手让你离开

其 实我从没有释怀 我不值得你去爱

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

偶然间 想起这首歌，还有一起搭档的人，还有那一段难忘的经历。

每个人心中都有一个恶魔。
最近的我，脾气变坏了，变得小心眼，变得很邪恶。
常常看不过许多事情，然后就用那种不是冷淡的眼神，就是不耐烦的表情对人。

对那些接受了我这些种种不好待遇的人，在这里向你们道歉。
我知道我不能再让这个邪恶的心继续在我心中溜达。
这样的我，不要说身边的人，连我自己也很讨厌。
因为这样子自己会变得很不开心。

不知道是不是情绪不稳定，最近都作了恶梦。
我想，我还没有完完全全、彻彻底底地把那个人忘记吧。

真讨厌。。。很想让他的踪影都不要出现在我眼前。
虽然事情都过去一年多了，而我也走出了阴霾。。但是后遗症似乎还环绕着我。
不是我不要去克服，但是这些后遗症是悄悄来袭，毫无预警的。

解铃还须系铃人。。（wow the chinese typing tool can spell out this idiom!)
或许心中的疑惑及误会揭开，才是解除后遗症的最佳方法吧。
时间来淡化。。是一种办法。
但是，我经历的这些后遗症，他知道吗？

I'm tired right now.

Did nth but feel sleepy.

I need ppl to trust in me. If not, I'm doing things for nth..

I hope ppl notice it, instead of searching for a better.

Cuz I didn;t simply do it but instead spending much effort; and i'm awaiting for you to agree with, or comment on it.

But all i got is..nth?

yea. trust me and u wouldn;t get lost.

Perhaps, I just don't know how to advertise myself.

好几个post都没有用华文写了。哈哈。。华文还是我比较prefer表达自己的语言。。。

没什么特别的。只是最近心情容易闷闷的，容易恶魔。
因为问号还是问号。

office的年轻妈妈们常常在午餐时间出去逛街，回来都是大小包，而且有时还会在小房间里互相讨论一番。great singapore sales, 吸引的正是这一群熟女。
比较上了年纪的都埋头苦干； 年轻的就在努力赚钱（就是我咯）

但是刚才吃过晚餐后在citylink mall 走了一圈，和victoria到了一间全店一律新币十五块的服装店。
因为贪玩拿了几件试了一试，结果发现自己真得满适合那一类的衣服，有蠢蠢欲动的感觉！
哎呀，T杉显得 自己太邋遢了！
所以其实心底已经起了想扮美美的念头，要把collared t和长裤取代！

哎。迷失啊，迷失。哈哈

常常羡慕别人是不好的吧。
常常做自己没有很想做的是，然后想做得都没有做，是不好的吧。

就是背了太多的心愿，流星才会跌得那么重。

This question came into my mind: What makes us EMO?
The reason this came across is bcuz I'm emo out of sudden, with no reason.
Is it bcuz my life is simply too simple, too routine, too boring?

Is this true that ppl will easily get lost when everything comes normal and normal.
Do i like all the crock ups that happen in my life?
Or do I just like to stay alone and enjoy movies, dramas 24-7 without rest?

I'm restless. Emo. Bored. >.<
Facebook-checkmail-blogging-read newspaper-read books-daydreaming-eating-
Life gets bored so easily when u realize it never end, just like food.
Mee, meehoon, rice, bread; coffee, tea, milo, milk.......................
Even there's a lot choices it became bored when it is available to you everyday.

I don't like this feeling. The nausea feeling of food and activities and places thaat surround me everyday.
I yearn for break-thru---->try new food, new taste, new activities, new environment..that might enlighten me perhaps.

Perhaps is this boredomness, this free-for-nothing period is when I can start thinking of what is in my mind.

But thr's a voice in my mind telling that:"don't forget, you're blessed and you have everything you need. Nothing bad for you to being normal. Persevere. "

Give a smile to yourself. Hold on, keep on.

This is the lesson I learnt today, after so many days of unfaithfulness, which I don't even realize it myself.

Quote from the bible.com
"Dear Heavenly Father, I do thank you for Your goodness to me. Lord, help me to guard my mouth so that those things that are edifying and good will come out and not those things that contribute to a negative lifestyle. May I bless others with my tongue and never be guilty of cursing anyone. Let my words be gracious and may they bring healing to others. Let my words be kind and gentle and loving. May I reflect Your goodness in all that I do. Forgive me when I say the wrong things. Let me speak and pray the Word of God over my life and others. Give us all grace to say things that bring life into this world."

Yes, I thought it is ok to have said all the negative words to show how pathetic is my life and I complain for anything to gain sympathy, to be in the others by talking in their way.

I'm wrong. I always thought that what i said is actually not from my heart cuz I was not thinking the way I'm saying.
But I was wrong. The bible says that the things that come out of our mouths actually reveal the things that are in our hearts. We all occasionally speak things that we should not speak; however, the things that we speak in abundance are the things in our hearts.

Yes, time to check on myself - "what r u doin?"
Do every word I said bless ppl or just add-on frustration on them?
Do every word I said pleased God?

Yes i have not been thinking all these. And pathetically I came to realize these when bad things happen to me. I came to look upon Him only when troubles come.

All I can do is ask Him for forgiveness and grace to grant me the strength and the way. I would want to ask for a miracle, but everything is on His hand and He will give me what is best for me.
Thank you Father.

Boy meets girl是一本好书。你一定要看。

因为浓浓的雾会因为这本书的内容而散去。

安静，就是力量。安静，其实没有不好。

I was too free in office and end up here.
facebook? nth to do. can't play games.
youtube? cant watch videos too.
email? everyday check until no new emails for me to check liao.

Was planning my class schedule for coming semester.yess, u didnt see it wrongly. It's class schedule planning THIS EARLY!
this shows how free am i.
Things yet to do are actually a long list, but somehow it has to be done after working hours.
BUT..those things are all pending now, cuz I went out almost everyday instead of staying in room!

hmm. yes, i should not have chosen this path.
Haih, how much I have lost after choosing to work.
I have given up a lot of things, just to compensate for my working time and place.
am I regret? Yes, a little bit. cuz I really lost a lot a lot a lot of chance for me to learn and enjoy and experience meaningful life.

I really have to quiet myself, and ask myself: what do you want to do?

SEP, the main aim of my admission to NUS. That's why I'm holding on for it, cuz its my original purpose of studying in NUS, instead of local U with a good course.
But I seems to have forgetten who is the one leading me into this uni. Or afterall am I choosing this uni all up to my own benefit? Am I really following the way He wants me to go?

Why do I think of all these? As mentioned above, bcuz of work I lose a lot of chance of enjoying a meaningful life. What is the meaningful life? The life of serving Him, in His way, and His will.

What kind of life am i leading now? My own way, my own life. Earning money for SEP, for the expenses of travelling in another hemisphere on Earth. Maybe I shud question myself, is going SEP His will for me? Or serving Him is what He wants when He lead me into this uni?

In the bible camp AY08/09, I have realized the reason I was brought to NUS. And from then on I was active in CVCF, try my best to gain as much as possible as what He wanted.
However, I failed to commit myself in the committee, due to my insist to go SEP.
"It's my whole purpose of coming to NUS, why shud I give up the chance of going SEP?"
Perhaps this was the defending voice inside of me WHILE I was still dilemma-ing whether I shud give up SEP and go ahead for the committee.

One of all the things I didn't do was pray. Did I pray to Him and to seek the path He has prepared for me? Or simply I love myself more than I love Him, or simply I wanna lead my life in my own, without submitting myself to Him?

After attending the leadership workshop organized by our lovely FES gan shi"s", what matters is whether or not you are willing to do it. His will is actually so obvious that we should really put down ourselves and thoroughly submit to Him. What make us struggle is due to our weaknesses in faith and trust in Him, and our unwillingness.

Perhaps, His will for me in this uni is to see my ownself, my true colour and how sinful am i. He wants me to learn spiritually, grow spiritually and be a better prsn in His eyes.
Will it be too late for me to realize this? I know it won't, cuz He has grace upon everything.
What I mourn for, is the chance for me to grow to love Him more, and the chance He has originally given to me. I have lost the chance, and hv to go for alternative ways, which is also good for me but might not as good as the initials.

Dear Lord, please forgive my sins, and lead me through.

再一次，到了曾经熟悉到不能熟悉的地方。
虽然多了点陌生，
还有。。想念。

那里还是那么地乱，东西还是东一点西一点。。
杯子、盘子还是一样没有洗。
但是和以前比起来，东西少了很多。

有多久没有到这里了，
有多久没有帮他收拾了。
还记得以前傻到常常把那里收拾得干干净净，
有一次还被骂，因为把东西都收到不懂那里去了。

那里的温度，那里的灯光。。一点一滴，都仍存在我记忆里。
想念啊，真的好想念。
更想念那位每次一开门就会看到的人。

把在地上凌乱的衣服都挂好，
把堆满桌子的纸巾都丢到垃圾桶里，
把东西都排得整整齐齐。。
把杯子和碗都洗干净，
把大大的水壶和热水瓶都装满。。
把床单和枕头、被都铺好。。。
把我的思念都放进去了。

希望，他一开了门，嘴角是笑着的。



好想好想。
想得眼泪都掉下来了。

还是来到这里了。
会来到这里，都是因为有说不出的话，发泄不了的情绪。。

疑惑，疑惑，疑惑。
满脑子疑惑。。。

新年到了，去朋友家拜年，开始想：意义何在？
上门，打招呼，坐下，吃饼、喝水，各聊各的；
拿红包，走人？

昔日好友，如今在何方？
在facebook看见聚会时拍的照片，才知道他们聚过，
心里做何感想？
“怎么没叫我？”
岁月不饶人，曾几何时，我已不在那一群好友团的通讯录里了。
难道要自找上门？

显然的，昔日好友的生活方式已不同，或者说得白一点，我和他们已不再投契。
是我的问题吗？
自拍、疯狂地唱k，讲冷笑话，打通宵麻将。。
这些他们消遣的方式，是因为我融不进而被拒于门外吗？
昔日的我，曾经疯狂地唱k，疯狂地大笑，疯狂地做许多疯狂的事。
是我变了吗？变得纳闷、变得不会玩？变得放不开？

常常会想，我到底是谁，是什么样的人，是什么样的性格。
为什么总是跟不上人的调调？
不跟潮流，不常联络人。。
我 ，或许越来越孤僻了吧。
但是我怕寂寞，我喜欢和朋友开开心心地聊天。那种非常投契，不做作，不客套的聊天。
羡慕别人多精彩，别人多常在一起聚一聚，又能怎样呢。
很想成为这样一个gang的一分子，但是都没有吧。
认识的人虽然多，真正死心塌地的死党，五根手指头算算有得找。

或许不该再耿耿于怀了吧。

昔日的情人，直至如今仍然携着程咬金到处去。
挺恩爱的嘛。
虽然说我自己已了解爱情观，
疑惑的是，为什么他们还是那么快乐那么幸福？
疑惑的是，为什么我的心还是会揪一下？

疑惑，
身在世界上，怎样才能活在这个世界，却不被这个世界所影响？

对未来，充满了疑惑。
但是这一次，空虚感并没有降临。
虽然头脑还是会空白。
但是心里住了耶稣，就不空了。

害怕

好害怕。
下一步该如何。

愿以为自己不会再emo了，但是人就是人。还是会有不开心的时候。
草丛里的蛇，不只是一个，而是两个。
没有一方，想要惊动，而我何尝不是呢。
从来没有想过自己会陷入这样的境况，真希望自己不会再跌到。

温柔，关怀，爱。
在世界上还找得到吗。
开心的日子，只有注定短暂吗?

我还在期待什么。
该面对的，还是得面对；逃避有用吗。
变了，回不去了吗。

亲爱的魔术师啊，请你告诉我魔术后面的真相吗？

好难忘的假期啊！
那种心情是无法用笔墨形容的。
虽然说，想在这个假期和朋友去旅行这个愿望没有达成，
但是我却在这个假期得到了人生的收获，是我从来没有想过的。
此时此刻的心情是很复杂的，也不知道在挣扎什么。
或许是不想离开这一段时间吧。
根据DISC性格测试的结果，我这种性格的人呢，是不喜欢改变的。
这一点我非常非常地认同。
因为现在的心情就是舍不得，不想改变。我想大多数人当然不想开学，喜欢假期吧。

这个假期，我的人生有了转变。
像梦一样，所有的事情就好像在昨天发生一样，但似乎又非常遥远。
去年同一个时期，我的人生跌至低谷，是我人生中最痛苦的时刻。
在那之后，虽然慢慢复原，却还是跌跌撞撞。。。
一直在寻找人生的目标，以及自己的位置。
一直在比较，埋怨。。

但是，我现在知道属于自己的位置在哪里了。
但对未来，我还是抱着些许的疑惑，些许的不安。
但是，我知道怎么样才能不再偏离，那个从前非常有自信，及确定自己人生方向的我。
我在天上的父，在他身边，就是我的位置。

我，成长了。不再是那个不愿长大的我。
或许多了些大人的忧伤、复杂，少了一些天真；但是，这就是我必须去面对的。
我不能再任性地，过自己想过的，而不去寻找神在我生命中的旨意。

那个在心中的结，终于打开了，我也不在乎了。因为有更重要的事，是我必须更加专注于的。
这一年，我许下了一个愿望。
从来都没有那么坚定过，比在form6时设立进NUS为目标的那个愿望还坚定。
我，要越来越亲近我的神，要越来越认识他，要越来越知道他为我的人生所预备的道路。
我也要好好的为他来作见证。
我不要再像之前那样，体贴自己，只顾自己的生活，把神的话放在一边。No。
因为他是真神，他是那位无条件爱我的神。

看过这个blog entry的朋友们，愿神祝福你。我希望我在耶稣基督里感受到的爱与喜乐，你们也能够经历。=）